I haven’t written for so long that I am not sure I can just jump in and do this now. But perhaps one has to (re)start somewhere. It is difficult to trust words now. What are these words that come out of me? How are they different from shit? Or piss? Or blood? Or spit? Perhaps the words are really the waste products of my thoughts. What do I create with my words? What have I done? What can I do?
As long as one eats, one shits. As long as one thinks, one writes. This analogy is taking me straight to hell but now that I have started it I cannot seem to stop. But perhaps it can recede to the background for now. So I can talk about writing and you, my poor reader, can imagine how it relates to shitting.
I have been silent for so long. In this space I have been silent. Because my thoughts have been too much for me. Too many things to contemplate. Words have been my undoing. So I have sat in silence and tortured myself with thoughts. I suppose you could say I’m all backed up…
But this is where I want to switch analogies. Because other things have come out of me – not waste products but precious creations. Oh hello little man number one…oh hello little man number two. They incubated inside of me before slipping and squeezing their way out of my body. In my silence, my words have been incubating. And now perhaps when they come out, they will carry all the thoughts that I have held. And perhaps these word-encased thoughts will grow like my little men did, and perhaps I will then have to release these words to the world, just like I have had to do with my little men.
They are not so little now, my men, my thoughts, my words. But the incubation has been good for me, as it was for them. So many more questions than answers grew in me during the incubation. Who am I? Why am I? Why is this world? How is freedom? But okay. My little men are leaving and my thought-words are now my babies.
I love new beginnings 🙂