freedom to think

I am writing this post out of a sense of responsibility to all the beautiful young people I have had the good fortune to teach over the last few years. Many of you have asked how I lost so much weight, and have indicated that you would like to follow my example. But I feel there are things you need to know, and I am going to do my best to convey  these things from my own experiences.

To start with, let me give you some history. I didn’t start out as an overweight child. Until the age of 6 I was actually pretty skinny. When I started primary school the weight started coming on. Various reasons, I suppose. At the risk of sounding like a quack psychiatrist, I might theorize that feeling inadequate among the rest of the children around me made me develop low self-esteem. I didn’t do very well in primary school academically, mainly because half the time I couldn’t understand what the teachers were saying. Plus I always felt I stuck out like a sore thumb, the only Indian in a school full of slim rich Chinese girls with their short straight hair. And there I was, forced to keep my hair long by the dogma of uprooted culture, shades darker, with a dot on my forehead and a larger body that I did not recognize for the muscular machine that it was and only cursed it for being different than those around me. How could I NOT develop issues? I was so happy at home and so unhappy in school. And I just got plumper and plumper.

Adolescence brought with it great height, less fat and more muscle. Dancing and various sports kept me fit, but I had to eat like a horse to keep myself going. I still thought of myself as fat (even though, looking back at old photographs I don’t think I was at all) but my confidence grew as I realized that my lack of understanding in school was not my fault. Slowly I developed strategies to cope in school. The more I got to choose subjects I liked, the more control I had. I didn’t have many friends- still too conscious of being different from them, I suppose, but my growing confidence as a dancer and a student made up for that.

Then came JC, and a whole new world opened up for me. A world where I felt valued. Where my opinions mattered, and where other people shared my passion for independent learning. Where teachers engaged students in discussion and students were not afraid to speak up when they disagreed with each other. I danced and sang my heart out (Indian Dance and Choir were my CCAs), and really lived every moment. I had no weight problem, even though I kept thinking I was fat only because I did not have the slight build of some of my classmates.

The next few years brought university and marriage, both of which inspired me and helped me to grow in character. I did face some problems (which are too private to write about here because they involve other people whose feelings I do not want to hurt) but having my husband by my side made a big difference. The dancing picked up. I was training almost 5 days a week and also swimming frequently. So activity levels were high. I did not watch what I ate at all, but burned everything I ate. Sometimes when training for a performance I would have one Mars bar a day- just for the energy! (Now I know there are healthier ways to get that energy!) At my prime I could eat a whole family size bar of chocolate. (Shudder)

And then came childbirth. Sigh. What a gorgeous experience, but how many changes it effects on the body! After my second child my body refused to bounce back, no matter how much exercise I did. Now I know that it was not just exercise I needed. At the crucial time in my life when activity slowed down, I still kept eating like I had done before. Perhaps there were some hormonal imbalances as well, but the excess food intake must have only served to exacerbate the imbalances. As the weight grew, the exercise reduced because it took a lot of effort to move that body.

I give you this history because I want you to see that it isn’t just about being slim. A lot depends on how you view yourself. Taking the time to reflect on what is really the problem can be very helpful. And being active is the key to good health when you are young. While you should stay away from obviously unhealthy food, you should not have to spend your youth watching everything that goes into your mouth.

Okay, Mrs V, I hear you say, get to the point. How DID you lose the weight? Well, I went on a diet. Not just any diet, but one that was planned for me based on the results of a blood test. It involved drastically lowering my carbohydrates and making sure I had one protein and lots of vegetables at every meal. I had to weigh my food before cooking it, and the weights of my food were specifically calculated for me. There were regular blood tests along the way to ensure good health. I am not giving any more details here because it is unhealthy to follow this diet if you do not have your own program. You may end up malnourished, and at your age, you need to eat well so that you grow well.

So I lost 33kg in 7 months. Yes it did feel wonderful. I got my body back- the one that I feel comfortable in. But I want to tell you this: I wish I had not had to go on the diet at all. My body is still recovering from it. I lost a lot of hair, which is slowly growing back as I add variety to the food I eat now that I am off the diet. I do worry that all the weight will come back, but I am realizing slowly that I can eat a lot more than I thought now that my metabolism is stabilized.

More importantly I have started exercising. Looking back, my happiest and healthiest moments were when I was very active. When I was MOVING. And I am now back to a place when I can do that. I don’t ever want to lose that mobility again. It is a precious gift that has been returned to me, and I will not take it lightly this time.

I don’t think that being fat makes us love ourselves less. I think that loving ourselves less makes us engage in destructive behaviour, one example of which is overeating.

So here are the things I would like you to think about if you are not happy with your body:

1. What is it really that you are unhappy about? So often it isn’t the way you look. Usually there is something else. Do you feel that no one understands you or appreciates you? Very often teenagers worry about this when there is someone at home who can really help them- their parents. Talk to them about your worries and how you feel about yourself. Tell them you’d like them to really listen to you. I think you’ll be surprised at how much help they can be.

2. What can you do about it? Positive action is often the best way to tackle a problem. And if there is nothing you can do about it then learn to accept it. Worrying about things you can’t change is a waste of time. What if you think you can change it but don’t know how? Get some help. Ask your parents or teachers, or even your friends (depending on what it is you want to do). Is it your weight you are worried about? Ask your PE teacher to help you plan a workout and eating plan. Ask your parents to help you follow it. Is it your grades in school you are worried about? Think about asking a friend who gets good grades to coach you in the subject for a while till you get into the groove.

3. What do you love most about yourself? Make a list. Is it your hair? Your smile? Your passion for learning? The fact that you know how to reach out to your family members? The shape of your big toe? Anything! Make the list and keep reading it and adding to it. You are special in ways that have nothing to do with the size of your body (unless of course that is what you love about yourself!)

4. How much time do you spend actively moving? Choose a form of exercise that you find fun. I always find  that I am most excited when there is a learning curve, and my brain is engaged. When there is no more learning there is no more challenge and I get bored. But not everyone is like that. So maybe try different exercises to see what suits you. You don’t have to do the same thing all the time. Right now I alternate between 2 sets of DVDs which I will write more about in my next post- Walk Away the Pounds and the New York City Ballet Workout.

5. Do you have enough protein, vegetables and fruits in your diet? In addition to rice and other carbohydrates, these are the foods that keep you healthy. And you need lot of them to feed your growing body and brain. Forget about those models and actors. There is no such thing as the perfect body- only the one that is perfect for you.

6. Do you drink enough water? Depending on your activity level, you will need about 2-3 liters of water a day.

7. Do you get enough sleep? This is one of the main factors in good health. Try a little less time on msn and Facebook in the night and a little more time in bed!

8. Do you eat a lot of junk food? Could you try cutting back on it? Don’t go cold turkey- reduce it a bit everyday till it has become a weekly treat. But listen to your body if you are hungry. Don’t starve it. It needs good healthy food to keep it going.

Now that my gift of good health has been returned to me, I will cherish it. My aim is to walk in grace and beauty for all of my days. My body is the temple where my soul resides, and I will show it due respect and reverence.

Macdonalds has no dorae-pig because it was afraid to offend muslim sensibilities? Kfc has to pull the plug on an ad that shows a white australian offering a west indian fried chicken, because apparently there is a cultural stereotype in the us relating to fried chicken? What is the world coming to? Clearly people are becoming over-sensitive, to the point of being ridiculous. Religious faith is both simple and complex at the same time. It is simple because there are universals that we can all relate to that cut across faiths, which is probably the biggest draw for millions of normal people. It is complex because sometimes we allow the symbols to take over and lead us by the nose. Racial identity is the same. As long as we continue to lose sight of the wood and thrash among the trees, we will always allow ourselves to be falsely led by a rhetoric of difference, of intolerance, and of fear. Why don’t we change the rhetoric to one of knowledge, confidence and understanding? A consultation with a religious leader could assuage doubt over appropriate symbols in advertising- a step macdonalds could easily take given their budget and their apparent desire to accomodate the sensibilities of their customers. At least they would know for sure what those sensibilities were, instead of bending over backwards in a possibly misguided show of sensitivity. A simple survey among the right sample group could help kfc determine what the issues are in an ad campaign that uses race as a theme, however humorously.

Every once in a while it helps to admit that I just love shopping. And Christmas is a fabulous time in India, shopping-wise (as it probably is everywhere else!). I don’t think I’ve actually bought a lot of stuff, but I had a great time walking around and looking at everything. It takes me a while to pick the first piece- I drag my feet a lot on that, probably because there is just so much variety, and I love the clothes and shoes and handbags and jewellery here. But once the first piece is selected, it’s like a game of dominoes. In the end I don’t buy most of what I try on, but oh the trying is so much fun!

Some interesting experiences too. In Bangalore, on Commercial Street, I was picking my way along the pavement with my sisters-in-law when a pair of shoes caught my eye. They were on a dusty-looking stand outside a shop that opened directly onto the pavement. As if out of nowhere, a scruffy man appeared, and spoke in surprisingly smooth tones (that’ll teach me to judge a book by it’s cover!), asking me if I would like to enter his shop. I asked the first question I always ask when I am considering buying shoes: what’s your largest size? Smart guy, he countered with: what size do you want? The next thing I knew he had convinced me to go in with him. We walked down a dark corridor that led to his shop. My eldest sister-in-law murmured that she would never have agreed to go in if she had been alone, however much she liked the shoes. Indeed, the combination of the oily invitation and the dark corridor put me in mind of the poem: come into my parlour, said the spider to the fly!

Turned out he didn’t have my size, but he said he would custom make the shoes in my size and deliver them to me. I paid him the money up front. It’s been two weeks and I have seen neither hide nor hair of the shoes. Ah well. That’ll teach me!

I did buy clothes as well but the shoe experiences stand out the most. In Chennai I went to a place called Shopper’s Stop, which had a fantastic range of shoes. And they had most of them in my size! This was a really civilised place- not like the poky corridor on Commercial Street. But it made just as big an impact on me, because of the sheer courtesy of the salesmen. The gentle concern with which they attended to every customer was balm to my Singapore-hardened shopper’s soul, and the dignified professionalism was evident everytime they slipped a shoe on your foot. I walked out of there with two pairs of shoes, only one of which I really needed. The other was just for the salesmen.

My two sons came along with me- the first because he really likes shopping, and the second because I promised to get him a pizza for lunch. At the store, the second one found a chair and played phone games with a long suffering look on his face, while the first walked around with me, excitedly shortlisting clothes he felt would suit me. Two such different children from the same parents! But that’s fodder for another post, if my sons give me permission to write it.

Here’s the short version- I shopped. I felt good. End of story.

I am in India now, and have had intermittent access to the Internet for various reasons. That’s  not the point of this post. I had no idea how much of a digital addict I was till I found myself in the situation of having no access. No access meant no e-mail, no Facebook, no blogs, no discussion boards, no msn and Skype chats… the list goes on. None of this is life-threatening of course, but that makes no difference to an addict. The only thing that has really suffered is my work. No access also means no Google scholar and Google books, both of which I rely on heavily when writing up reviews of literature.

But it’s not just me. My kids are languishing without their computers. They aren’t heavy gamers or anything, but one son wants to write his stories and the other wants to get a headstart on his schoolwork. Having to share one laptop between the three of us is driving us nuts. I regret not letting them bring their computers to India. What did I think they were going to do with all their time?

This is the problem really. That no one can think of what to do sans-computer/access. What did I use to do when I was a kid and time hung heavy during holidays in India? I can’t remember, but there was a lot of sitting around and waiting. Also we used to go to the village and it was fun walking in the rice fields. Just a note- haystacks are not the stuff that romantic rural landscapes are made of. They are prickly and full of creepy crawlies that BITE! But sitting on one was an experience nonetheless. There were also bathrooms with no roofs, where you had to crouch in a corner if you didn’t want to be seen by the voyeur in the two-story building next door, but that’s another story for another time. If you ask nicely I’ll tell it!

Anyway in the meantime there are three of us sharing one computer, and my kids are reading more in this one month than they have read the whole year. That’s something anyway.

Maybe ‘junk’ is too strong a word. And unfair to the author whose books I am devouring again for perhaps the tenth time. This is what I do. I read lots of books, and lately I have discovered a love for non-fiction. I just get tired trying to take in new storylines for some reason. Also there are the books I read for my research. But in between I feel a craving for something lighter- exciting, yet familiar. And that is where Jilly Cooper swoops in and saves the day. Her books are fast-paced and raunchy, with deliciously tantalizing plot lines and engaging characters. The vivid way in which she fleshes out her characters makes me feel like I am watching a movie. I know the stories inside out, and yet still enjoy going through the experience again. It’s like meeting up with an old friend- you know each other’s life stories, and yet you enjoy the process of going over them again. My family heaves a collective sigh when the Jilly Cooper comes out, because they know that they will not have my undivided attention till I am done with all of them. I started this time around with The Man Who Made Husbands Jealous, went on to Rivals, and am now on Appasionata. Next I will read Score, followed by Polo and Riders. The orgy will finally end with Wicked. The one book of hers I don’t have (apart from the ones that carry women’s names- I have never tried those) is Pandora, which the library in West Mall has, so I borrow that every once in a while. Jilly Cooper is my saviour- gives me a gentle refresher course every so often on how not to take life too seriously.

You know how it is. You rummage desperately among your things, searching for that one item you need NOW. But you don’t find it. Instead, you find loads of other things that you thought you had lost forever (when you thought about them at all). That’s what happened today. There I was, trying to find a passport photo of myself so that I could send in a membership application to the NIE library. As you might already have guessed, I didn’t find it. What I DID find, however, brought a smile to my face. Two photographs- one of me in kindergarten (yes, they did have cameras way back then, thank you very much) and the other much later of my two sons and me in the airport, when we were going on a rare holiday. Here are the photos. I hope you like them!

The marker’s report is an extensive document that requires patience and dedication not only to construct, but to read as well. Some of the points may not be clear to you, while others will seem so obvious that you will wonder why they needed mentioning in the first place. Rest assured, I share the same sense of bewilderment regarding this latter group of points- why were these errors made in the first place? Year after year, essay after essay, I come across the same errors- ones that I know are actually addressed at lower secondary level. Yet many of you take the path of least resistance: when faced with a writing situation you fall back on the style of writing that served you so well at the PSLE.

 But my students, you are in Sec 3 now, and that brings with it expectations of greater precision in your language use, and greater maturity in your content. The lessons you go through over the term are not merely random time fillers. They teach you specific skills that will serve you well if you choose to use them. You will be moving on to Secondary 4 next year, and will be taking the ‘O’ levels. But the writing skills you develop in the next few months will be with you long after you leave school.

 In so many ways in my life I have found that the pen is indeed mighty. (Whether it is mightier than the sword I cannot tell, having never used a sword myself!) Read this document carefully and contact me at shobha_vadrevu@hotmail.com if you have any questions or comments.

 2009 SA1 P1 markers report

To my dear students

I am so proud of you for the effort that you put in for the exams. I know many of you studied very hard and tried your best. I hope you are satisfied with your results. For those of you who are not, do try to find out where you have gone wrong so that you learn something from the experience. Getting your papers back can be even more harrowing an experience than writing them, I know. Take heart, and be resilient. There is more to life than exams.

I write this post with mixed feelings, because there is something I need to share with you. Friday is my last day at school, because my contract is coming to an end. There was an option to renew it, but I chose not to take it up. Let me explain why:

I love to teach, and I think Swiss Cottage is a simply wonderful place to work. I have made no secret of my admiration for my colleagues or my affection for my students. Here’s the thing. I am doing a masters course now that I have been trying to handle along with my teaching and marking. It is not an impossible task, and many people do manage to do it. But I find that I enjoy neither when I have to do both, and doing a less than perfect job in either sphere is unacceptable for me.

Rest assured you will get a very good teacher to replace me. Also, most of you are in contact with me online, either through e-mail, msn or facebook. Please maintain that contact, and pop up on my computer screen to say hi every so often. If you need my help with anything you have only to ask.

Remember: Mrs V is just a mouse click away.

“May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, may God hold you in the hollow of his hand.”

(Irish blessing)